Life Update

Hey. I know I haven't been on here to let people read the random bits that come from my brain. Well I'm back and I have a lot of simply my life to tell you about.

So most recently I found out that my 10 year old brother is depressed. Yeah. 10. Clinically depressed. He's seeing a psychologist and a therapist. I was heart broken when I found out what was the pushing factor in him having to go see these doctors. It started off with him acting out in school. Typical kid stuff that most write off as part of growing up. He would walk out of class and just do things that he knew that he wasn't supposed to be doing. When I would call and talk to him he would tell me that he was sad that I wasn't at home(living with my mother, he, and my two other brothers). I felt bad that I wasn't there. He missed me and he wanted me to be there for him. I kept telling that it wouldn't be long until I get there (I plan on visiting home for my sister's wedding). I thought that this was all just him being a kid. But then one day he tried to strangle himself. It was an attempt to end his life. He didn't know that its harder to strangle yourself than other ways out. He did this a school. My mother was forced to take him to a therapist to find out what was wrong and it turns out that he is depressed. It's only a matter of time before my brother becomes a zombie. They will put him on a bunch of pills and he will just not be himself. I believe that you do not need to be medicated in order to get over something like that. But that's they way that the system handles things. But I guess it will work for some time and then the pills will have no effect on him. I hope that he will be able to be happy on his own and not in a drug induced happiness that's not really worth anything.

Then there is my boyfriend. He and I have been fighting. A lot. Its the hardest thing for me. This relationship was supposed to mean nothing to me. For me it was supposed to be a physical relationship with someone who would be a good friend. But things changed and for some crazy reason I started to fall for this guy. Great. And now we're having our first fight and it's not like the petty fights that people have as their first fight. It's much deeper than that. But I know that things will work out for the best in the end.

Then there's everything else. The fear of failing classes the fear of failing at life. Though I'm working through most of these things they are still there. But I know that I will figure things out. I always do.

At a loss

What am I supposed to do? I try and try and it seems like everything just turns out wrong. Lie. Not everything. Somethings are okay. Or at least they seem okay. I just want to see if I can get a little happier but that doesn't seem to be the thing that everyone else wants. But this is my life it's about what I want right? Wrong. I actually care about some of the people in my life and it seems like I've done nothing but piss off one of the most important people. I want to fix it. I really do but it doesn't seem that way because I don't know what you want from me. Everyone seems to have their little slice of Heaven that they can call when ever they want and then they're fine. I just want to find that for me but it seems in going down that path I have lost sight of the one that I am going to need. The one that I do need. It's a curious thought as to why I left that path to begin with is it not? It's quite simple to me, but that's just me. I didn't know how to exist on that path. I tried and it worked for a certain period of time. But then something happened. I was on that path with someone and that person kept me company. We talked, we kept each other heading in the right direction and then what. Was I the cause for me to stray from that path? Possibly, probably. But you also strayed from the path as well. Only you got back on it sort of. I just seem to be having trouble finding. I do know what to do to get back on this path.

Enough with the pretty words. You stopped talking to me. I stopped talking to you. It became easier that way. As long as I could see you I knew that I would be okay. But that wasn't the case for you. What the hell is that you want me to do? I honestly have no freaking clue! You want me to talk to you but you ask me at the most inconvenient times: When there are people around, when I'm trying to find the right words so that I don't piss you off and have you go off on me. When I try to come to you, you distract me with funny videos or I just don't know how to talk and when I say I don't know you yell at me that I don't talk to you. But I'm trying. I just can't do it without having some sort of incline as to what you want. You want me to fix this, you said you're done trying with me. What am I to do. I can't even come to you because you don't even want to be in a room alone with me long enough for me to say what it is that I have to say. I just want to tell you and only you things, is that wrong of me? To want only you to know. I thought you would be the one that was always there the one who would listen to what I had to say un-judging. I'm at a loss but if this is the way that you want it then so be it. I don't want to force you to like me, to be in my life. I'll leave if you want. And if you want me gone then let me know, and I'll leave.

Act IV: Playing Stupid

Most people want to prove to others how smart they are. They flaunt their knowledge, they go out of their way to show others that they can do something. Then there are the people who don't care either way what people think. Then there are people like me who makes an effort to let people think that they are stupid.

Why on earth would someone do that?

The reason I did it: I didn't want to deal with people. I figured that if I played stupid I would be the pretty friend that everyone would want to be around so that they could have a smile when things got bad. I had a lot of problems of my own that i was dealing with, I thought that the best I could do was send someone over the edge: instead of talking them out of suicide, I would talk them into it or actually talking someone into killing someone, of course these wouldn't have been my intentions but I always feared that that would happen if I tried to help.

Lately I have dealt with most of my problems. I have found ways to overcome them or to get rid of them. And I have been showing that I really am bright, but people think that this is untrue.

You might assume that I am pissed at everyone who still thinks that I am stupid, that the stupid act that I put on for everyone is the real me. But in actuality I have no one to be mad at but myself: I am the one who led people to believe that I was stupid. Instead of giving actual answers to people I would just giggle and smile and say something that didn't make sense and then people would drop things. Yeah people would come to me with relationship problems and I would help them with that, but when someone was talking to me about something that was possibly life altering I would give them a cute little smile and a blank look and two sentences in they would stop talking because they figured that I had nothing to offer to them. To anyone I pulled this little trick with: I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you, I just wasn't willing to help because I was afraid of making things worse and the best way to get you to not be upset with me was to play stupid.

I've dropped the blond routine and I've went back to the intelligent person that I truly am and yet I have people who look at me like I'm just a pretty face putting together a bunch of big words that I probably don't know the meaning to. This might surprise some people but I actually know some "big words." I used to read the dictionary and I would find a word from every letter of the dictionary and make it a point to learn that word. Sometimes I would learn two words at once. And if I don't know a word I look it up and I learn the definition so that i know what people are talking about. I used to get board and just do random research on things that were big problems in the world so that I could have a clue about what was going on and have an educated opinion and not just pretend like i knew what I was talking about. I guess I need to start that again.

I guess I have a lot of work to put in if I want people to believe that I am smart. I need to actually show my intelligence. I won't let people think that I'm stupid anymore. I just can't do that to myself anymore or ever do that to myself again.

Suicidal Tendencies

It's something that is well known. So many people do it everyday. It's something that some of us think about, it's something some of us attempt, and some of us succeed at it. It's probably not the best thing, but it happens. Sometimes life happens too fast, or sometimes it seems to be unbearable and we think that our best way is to just give up.

Death seems like such a sweet release sometimes. There is no pain, nothing to worry about, there is only serene beauty, depending on what you believe in. There is so much about life that you would want to just not want to live anymore. There are things like family problems, problems at school, problems with friends, things aren't going the way that you want them to go. There are so many reason's that one would want to give up.

I am one of those people who tried to kill myself. I don't want to sugar coat it. I wanted to take my own life, I wanted to make the world better by not being here. There is no way that I can put it to make it sound nice. There is nothing nice about wanting to fore fit your life.

The first time that I tried I was in middle school. My first thoughts started when I was young. It was the end of my 7th grade year, there was so much going on with me. Yes I had a good amount of friends, I had a big family, but there were still the things that had seemed to over run that. I was still getting made fun of in school. There were whispers of things behind me behind my back, mean vile things. At first I tried to ignore it and it worked. I started to stand up for myself, if that's what you could call it. I would yell at people for saying things about me, but that didn't stop them from keeping up the stream of hateful words that made me feel as though I was not meant to live. At first they were just thoughts. I would think "what if I killed myself, I don't think that anyone would even notice let alone care if I was gone. In fact I might be doing everyone a favor. They won't have to care about what I am doing." I even went to the extent of writing a suicide note that I would leave for my family when I did it. One of my brothers found it once, thank God he couldn't read. I took it from him and I burnt it. Then I started cutting. I did it in places that no one would see. I didn't want anyone to know. Some nights my little brother would come lay with me at night and I would cry on his little shoulder and tell him the horrid things that I was planning to do. Thank the heavens he had no clue what I was talking about. But one night as I was crying on his little shoulder, holding him close to me so that I would never forget him, he did something that changed my mind. He looked up me with the innocent eyes of a toddler and he put his little hand on my cheek and he said to me "Don't cry, Mon-ca, it will be OK." And then he kissed my cheek. At that point I knew that I couldn't leave him. My little bear would need me one day, to help him trough something like he'd just helped me.


Life after that was fine. I wont say that it was always rainbows and sunshine because it wasn't. I still fought with my sisters and my mom and my brothers, even fought with my dad a few times. I still thought that my family hated me but I pushed past all that and I kept going forward.


Then at the end of my freshman I moved to Oregon and that started a whole new depression for me. My grandmother tried to get me to hate my family. She despised me talking to my family, she hated when she knew that I was even thinking about my family. But it wasn't my whole family that she wanted me to hate. Just my mother and my sisters. She wanted me to worship the ground that my aunt walked on. She would tell me that my mother said how much of a little bitch that I was and that my mom was happy that I was gone. And after a while I started to believe it. I mean why would anyone care so much about me. I am nothing, there is nothing special about me. So I believed it. And then the thoughts came back to me. I guess that they were never really gone they just were cover, buried under everything else. I started cutting again my junior year. I always wore sweaters no matter what so no one would notice the cuts on my arm. To this day you can still see some of the scars. But then at one point in my senior year I went for it. I took a bunch of pills. I figured it wasn't worth life anymore. I had put in enough work and nothing was working out for me. It obviously didn't work seeing as how I am alive to write this. I guess I didn't take enough. I'd thought about trying it again, after it didn't work. Then one day I found some friends who are now my best friends, they make sure that I don't reach that breaking point again. Then later on that year I got on facebook and I found my mommy. And we were talking and my mom said to me "I love you, baby girl. No matter what. You are my child and I will love you always." That's when I knew that my mother never hated me, that she would always be there for me. I wont say that after that that I didn't have any suicidal thoughts, because I did. I don't have those thoughts now. I do however have many homicidal thoughts. Though I am not a threat to the world. I find to much joy in helping people but I still can't help but think of the deaths of some people or every person on earth.


Though the thoughts are no longer there, I still have problems believing that anyone can care for me anymore than just the most basic of friendship. I am working on that. I know that my best friend loves me like I am her sister and that she will always be there for me. I'm trying to believe my boyfriend when he says that he actually cares for me. I think I know it, I'm just not willing to accept it. But I at least I know what my problem is and I'm working on it. And I want to do my damnedest to make sure that my story has a happy ending to it.

Just Random Thoughts

You know some days I wake up and I wonder why I even try to go forward with anything. It's just that in this world there is so much bad that it seems to outshine the good. My first thoughts are usually why am I even going to attempt this? But then I think to myself, "you can't think that way. If everyone woke up and decided that it wasn't worth going on anymore then we wouldn't have any world." So I think of all the good things in my life. I think about my family. Like every family mine is dysfunctional and we fight, hell I don't even life with my birth family and yet I still manage to piss one of my sisters off. My "adopted" family is not exception to this either. We all get upset with each other, we all argue but in the end we are still family and we care for each other. I think about all my friends and the crazy things that we do together. I think about all the memories we made and how when something goes bad in our lives, no matter if we are fighting or not we will try to find out what is wrong with everyone. We push aside all the petty things and we try to make everything better. And that's what my families do as well. Even the people that hate me. I think of them and I say "well as long as they aren't hurting someone then they can stay that way" and I just move on. I get out of bed and I get dressed and I go on about my day doing whatever it is that will make me smile that day. No I'm not saying that I don't have my bad days, because God knows that I have my bad days, but in the end I try to make sure that I go forward trying to better something. So now here's the thing, what is it that pushes you forward, that gives you a reason to go forward?

Books, Books and More Books (Oh and A little bit of Music)

So today I got my library card in the mail. This is my first library card in several years. Most people who know me knows that I love books. I mean if I could tell you all of the books that I have read... well that would take a long time because I am one of those "strange" kids that actually enjoy losing themselves in a good book. Any who today I was at the Public Library and I came across a book called "Converting Kate." This book intrigued me. First off you must understand that I don't really like reading anything that has to do with religion. Here's the reason why:
Me: *Sitting somewhere reading a book*
Random Person: "Hey what are you reading?"
Me: "Oh just this book about this girls mother who tries to force religion down her daughter's throat. The mother thinks that her religion is right, and is the BEST religion in the world."
RP: "Oh well I'm (insert religion) and we believe (insert religious views here). What do you believe?"
Me: "Oh I don't have a set religion. I have many beliefs that coincide with many religions. I guess you can say that I have my own brand of religion."
RP: "Well I think that my religion and that every one should believe like I do. And who are you to take religion into your own hands?!"
Me: "Well you see, I think that every person has the right to believe whatever it is their little heart fancies. And I am a human, just like anyone else and that is why I can take religion into my own hands. Everyone does it. Even you and your (insert name of person who preaches), there for I can handle religion how I wish."

No, I don't think that this happens but it has happened to me on many occasions while I was reading a book called "The Gospel According to Larry" (It's a good book check it out). That was the last book that had anything to do with religion that I have read. So when I found this book called "Converting Kate" and I read the back my first reaction was to put the book back on the shelf and say no way am I even going to consider reading this book. But the first few sentences on the back got to me. They words were of the girl talking to her mother about religion. I am not going to tell you much about it. Once I actually check the book out I will tell you the name of the author or you can look it up. I have mentioned the book name twice now. Any who, on with this thing. I thought about the book and I really wanted to check it out because I felt that it would be a good book to read. I mean these sort of things happen so frequently these days:A parent has a set of beliefs and they take their child to their place of worship or non worship and they make the kid sit through it. Then the child comes of age to make the decision of what they like and what they don't like. The child says that they no longer want to attend or not not attend religious things, but the parents are against the child making this choice and tries to force the child into what the parent wants. This is something I don't understand. The child went through all the prayers, the amens, the sermons but now they've chosen against it and the parent doesn't like this. Why? And why do the parents feel the need to shove religion down their child's throat?


Moving on my bit of about music is simply this. Have you ever listened to a piece of music and completely lost yourself in it? It is the best feeling in the world. For each person it feels different. If you have yet to lose yourself in a piece find a song that you really enjoy and just listen to it, forget about everything and just feel the music inside of you.

Who/What Goes Where

I see that dating has become a strange thing for me these days. Not the act of dating just the thoughts that come with dating. I am in a relationship with someone and I get confused by the way that I see some people think about dating. I have several people in my life who seem to think that when you date it means that your mate goes above anything and everything. That no matter what you are doing if your mate calls you you are supposed to drop what you are doing and go to them that instant. I don't think this way. I personally cannot make one single person the whole reason for me existing. I mean sure I am really fond of my boyfriend, but I also don't think that he is the most important thing in my life. I mean sleep, food, showering, and things like that come first. He ranks at the same spot that my family and my friends rank and that's right there on the tail end of finishing my schooling and getting a career. I don't understand how someone could decide that this one thing can be so much more important than the very basics of life.


I guess that it is beyond my comprehension. I mean, I won't ever look at a cactus and be like this is my reason for living, whatever this cactus wants me to do I will do it. I just can't do that. I'm not saying that I am the most important person in my life but if I don't make some effort to make sure that I am properly taken care of then I won't have a life and there for there would be no need to try to place something before me and everything else because I would become non-existent.

I just don't understand how someone could do that. Eh.

The DJ Got Me Callin' the Cops

So we're all young. We make decisions that are, well, questionable. But I guess that happens to everyone. Any who I am the kind of girl who likes to go out and have fun, so when my friend asked me if I wanted to go to her birthday party of course my answer was "Yes." So we spent the whole day together picking up things that we needed for the party. Then we got to the scene of the party and relaxed for a but then we got ready and before we knew it the party was on. The DJ was there getting the music equipment set up, people were showing up with booze and everyone was dressed and ready for a good time. So the DJ blasted some really lame techno music that really wasn't anything that you want to listen to, at least I didn't enjoy the music. It all had the same basic beat and it just wasn't upbeat and happy making. So I threw back a few drinks and loosened up and relaxed around all the new people. I mean I don't mind big groups, but some of these people seemed to, well, to judge way more than they are entitled to. So I got the booze pumping through me and I'm dancing and talking to people and having an all around good time.


About half way through the party I'd had way too much to drink so I was relaxing with some of my good pals and some of my new found buddies, one who happened to be the DJ. The DJ was a major creep. He hung around me like, I don't what the hell he was like but I should have known that something was a little off about him. I mean the way he was dancing and the way he walked around like he was in some other world should have sent red flags up all over the place in my head. So we make our way back to the party area and I requested a song that I really wanted to hear so that I could dance. So Mr. DJ went and found the song and came over to tell me that he was going to play it. At this point all my friends were around me making sure I wasn't getting myself into drunken trouble. The minute they looked away DJ Super Creep decides that he's going to try to kiss me!!! I mean what the hell dude really. I tried to back away from him but he kept coming toward me,luckily my best friend was there and she pulled him off me and told him that he needed to go the other way, away from me. She and my two other friends decided that it was a good time for us to go to be so we headed to or sleep place. On our way there DJ Super Creep tried to cut me off but I had my bestie there to keep him from getting to me. She pissed him off, and the night was saved. We all went to sleep shortly after and woke up not hung over.

Needless to say, I don't like certain kinds of male DJs.

World of Warcraft: Who's the Tank?

So the other day I was hanging out at my boyfriends house. We were sitting there watching "The Community" and "House" which are two really good shows. And then he wanted me to watch some youtube videos. First you have to understand my boyfriend is an avid WoW (World of Warcraft for those of you who don't know) player and I play on occasion to (I have a level 19 Blood Elf Rogue). Any who, so we're at his place watching videos and he shows me this one. You don't have to love WoW or even like it to appreciate this. It's really funny and can be kind of hard to understand. But in the end you will understand. It's not that complicated. But, without further ado.... Enjoy!!!

This is the Beginning

So it is February 1st and it just so happens that it is a Tuesday. This means that I got up this morning and went for a run... And it was the worst. I ran two blocks. I didn't sprint it, I jogged, and for the most part it was OK. The only thing that went wrong was the breathing. I was out of breath and it made me think about how I need to make sure that I am healthy. I hate the sound of always working out. I don't want to be a total meat head and I'm not doing it to impress anyone. It's not because I want to be skinny, it's because I want to be healthy and not run the risk of having some stupid disease when I get older because I didn't take good care of myself now. I mean the whole skinny thing is just an bonus but what it comes down to is simply this: Do I want to live for a long time or do I want to die at the age of 50 because of heart failure that I could have prevented. Just food for thought there.


Any way I noticed that this has become something like a journal and all I've been telling is of the struggles. Well I want to talk about something kind of happier so that all 6 of my readers don't get too bored and stop reading (if they haven't already). So as some of you may know my adopted mom runs a daycare. It can be one of the most fun things in the world. We have one child, Tyler, and he is one of the most subdued children that I know. He has what we call a "duh" face. He walks around with no facial expression. I love this kid to death, he is my minion. So lately I have been trying to get him to smile or at least have some sort of other facial expression. So I will make animal noises and make faces at him and he will smile the biggest smile ever. And he giggles. This makes me so happy to know that he is open to changing his facial expression. Now.... I am going to get him to talk.

When You Care This Much

One thing about me that most people don't know about me is how much I actually care. Most people view me as a narcissistic bitch who cares but more about herself and personal gain than I actually do about others, and I'm not like that. The reason most people don't know how much I truly care is because I try my best to show it without really showing it. I know that I should show things better but the thing is that I care so much so easily that its not really worth letting other people know just how much of a hold that they can have on me. I know that in one way it sounds just completely... I don't know what word I'm looking for but, well, I know. Any who, I find myself caring more for people than I intend for most of the time. I also hate it when there is something that I believe that I love so much that I wouldn't be able to live without and I find that I can actually live without, because then I realize that I just didn't want to lose it. But I guess it's better to be wanted then needed at least that's the way that I see things.

Lately I have been having some problems with one of my best friends and I thought that I would never be able to live without her seeing how she'd helped me through some of my more difficult times. But with all the fighting and what not I feel as though I could get along in my life and I don't like that. I mean, she knows how much I care about her and how much she means to me but she chooses to do the things that she knows is only going to push me away. I want to want her in my life I just can't find it in me to really do that because I feel that if I keep her so close to me that I will only continue to get hurt by her. And it's not like it's being hurt by a friend it's like the sister that you always got along with suddenly tells you that she absolutely hates you and that she never wants anything to do with you and she means it. It is a hurt so deep that it is as bad as physical pain. I don't what to do about it some days and then there are times when I think about just making the situation better and kissing and making up but just when go to do it, when I go to move my mouth to say the words that could make it all better I get a pain that shoots through me like I have a dagger stuck in my jaw and it is killing me to move my mouth. I don't understand how I could care this much and yet have it seem to make no difference to her.


Then there is my other best friend. And I love her dearly. But sometimes I don't know what to do with her. I mean I like her for who she is but sometimes I'm afraid that she is more fragile than she'd like to be and I'm afraid to say this to her because I don't know how she would react to it. I know that she has her problems and I want to help her with them and she wont let me help her and I don't know what to do. I hate sitting by and watching her suffer and no do the things that she wants to do because she is afraid or whatever her reasons are. I feel so useless and she seems to be afraid to tell me what I can do to help her. I ask myself over and over again what I could do to help her through what she is going through. I can never come up the right answer. How can I care this much and not know what to do?

Wow-zers

So I'm sitting here at my computer listing to Panic at the Disco whilst my two dearest best friends are doing something on the bed. Hey! It's OK ones a boy and ones a girl and for even better measure they're dating and I'm pretty sure that whatever it is they are doing isn't sexual, but I guess you all will never know for sure :P I don't I think that I was fair in my last post. I was feeling bad because literally minutes before I typed the damned thing I'd found out that I'd gained weight which did not please me in the least bit. But to make things even better (not sarcastic in the least bit, I swear!) just as I'd hit the "post" button my mom handed the phone and who was on the other line but a person who wanted me to have a job interview with them. That was really funny. And I have been working on the whole "dieting" thing. I mean I actually go to sleep at my set time so that I get a good amount of sleep and I wake up and make a good lunch and I eat it at a good time and I'm trying to do all the right things. Tonight we are starting to walk and it is going to be a nightly thing and I will be getting up to run on the weekends STARTING THIS WEEKEND! I swear we are. And I might go on Tuesdays and Thursdays and then do Saturdays and Sundays so that I am running four days a week. Yay for me. Any who, one of my head phones came out and I don't like what I heard, they were arguing about body fat. They are so strange. I would love to tell you all some stories but I don't think that they are important and very inappropriate. One of these days something will be clean enough for me to post...

Alright I'm done I got to work on the post that I was working on for my other blog. I'll link it to you crazies one day. Live long and prosper.

Here's How Things Go

So basically my life isn't too horribly wrong at this point. I think there are only to things that I can rightfully complain about and that's not having a job (though I am searching very hard) and not having my own place (but I have a place to stay with a loving family). I know that life can't be perfect but I'm totally cool with that because I find the perfection in all the imperfections.

Anyway, my best friend and I are getting along great. I mean lately there have been things that have been bothering me but doesn't that happen to everyone? It's not like I don't do things that don't bother her. Plus, we're all humans and therefore we are going to make mistakes and that's totally cool with me. Most of my mistakes have led me to something greater that I knew that I wouldn't have gotten without making those mistake. But I have also learned from those mistakes. Back on track, we have our little things that are off to the other but we don't try to kill each other about it ya know, so that's good.

My family situation is good. I mean I hardly talk to my grandmother and at this point it's a good thing. I mean I love her, no doubt about that, it's just that I don't like the way that she treats me.I mean I am not a child and I am not a full adult either but that doesn't mean that I am completely incompetent and can't do anything for myself. She has a way that she wants me to live and I have a way that I want to live for myself and to do what makes me happy, she wants me to do what I want to do as long as she agrees with what I want to do. I haven't really had time to talk much to my mom and sometimes I think that she doesn't want to talk to me. I don't know it's just kinda crazy I guess. And I have forgotten to call my sister but I am going to make sure that I call her this week. I love talking to them. I miss them so much. It really sucks that all my family is back in Michigan and I'm stuck in Oregon and my only blood family is my grandma and it's really annoying.

My boyfriend is... well being himself. He doesn't want to admit to himself that he is cute and sweet... OK well only not the sweet part. And what can I say he is a fun guy to be around. I'm really good that at the most basic level we are friends because my life has gotten a bit more interesting with someone as weird as him in it.

Oh well there is one more thing that I can complain about. My weight. I have gained 3.2 pounds and it has been driving me crazy since I found out. But I am going to go on the crazy thing (not really a diet, just more like me trying to get my damn life in order) and lose some of this weight. I mean I have two weddings that I am going to coming up and I want to look my best. Mostly I want to look really good when I go to see my family so that I can be like "see I'm doing good, I can take care of myself." It's not something to throw in their face it's to just make myself feel better. But I also want to be healthier. I want to live a better, more healthy life so that I wont become one of those people who have to get wheeled out of their house because they are too fat. So I am entering on a new adventure in my life on this crazy adventure to become a more healthy person. So I have to change my eating habits, get more exercise ;) and actually have a good sleep pattern because that can mess things up for you big time. So her I am at weight 172, with in 5 months I hope to be not that much... at least in the 40s if not the 30s. Well now I have to get ready to go to an appointment. Woot.. not.

Admit it, I'm Awesome and so Are You (Pretty=Perfect?)

You know lately I've noticed that so many people have been putting others down. And for what reason? I can't find one. I have been trying to not put people down and instead I turn on myself and I put myself down. Now most people who know me know that I am typically a narcissistic bitch. But that's the way that I like it. There are not many people that I will let see to the core of me. But I wake up daily and I sometimes have to put on this facade of being purely amazing and making everyone think that I totally love myself and that I think that the world should revolve around me, but that's not true all the time. Sometime I wake up and I look at myself in the mirror and all I think is how ugly I am or how stupid I am and things of that sort. Sometimes I think that it would be better for everyone if I just disappeared and no one ever saw me again. I push past that and I put on my facade. I have done this for so long that I am beginning to believe that I am amazing and that I am the best and I think that the world should revolve around me. And when this seems to my truth I realize that it really is. I mean who the hell is anyone to tell me that I'm not amazing or that I'm not pretty or any other thing that will make me feel better about myself.

This also goes to people around me think that they are perfect and that drives me mad! What makes you perfect? I think that just because you are a cheerleader and everyone thinks that you're so pretty that you are perfect. These kind of people drive me absolutely insane. I mean really, I'm not just saying this. I know that I am not the best looking person ever, and I really do believe that every person is beautiful in their own way. And this is where perfection comes in. I find perfection in the imperfections of everyone. I mean if we were all perfect and made no mistakes then things wouldn't really be worth wanting to do it. Ever. So just because you messed up on the lyrics on a song, you hit the wrong note, you dressed a little different, or any of the things that people look at and they say that you are imperfect, tell them to kiss your ass. You are perfect just like everyone else. Maybe not in the Utopian from of perfect but there is something there that makes you perfect and you are perfectly yourself and if you can't take it from me to be perfect listen to this song, watch this video, and think about it. It doesn't take everyone's view of perfect to make you perfect.

I love you, I think (Seems more like Lust)

There are three words that can change any relationship: I Love You. But most of the time these words are said, in my opinion, prematurely. I'm mean really, most people who are in "love" with have only known this person up-close for about two seconds, because they just now decided to start talking to you after not recognizing your existence for the longest time. You think that you know this person but in actually you really don't, you know what they want other people to know or what other people have said about this person. So you finally start dating this person and two months into the relationship, you've gone on maybe one or two actual dates and you've hung out a few times and you are out celebrating this "big moment" in the relationship and you look at this person and you say those three words, I love you. The look on your partner's face is one of... I love my pet rock, too. They say the words back only because they know that's what you want to hear. You know somewhere in the back of your mind that something is off but you ignore it.

But there are times that are better than the intentional speaking of these words, it's when they slip because they, at one point, were routine to say before you hung up the phone or after you kissed someone goodbye. You and your partner are on the phone and have just made plans to meet at some restaurant, and you finalize the plans and now comes the goodbye part. It usually goes a little something like this:
"Alright, I'll see you there at seven."
"OK, see you then."
"Alright, love you bye."
"Yeah, me too, bye."
Or you may skip the part of them saying the words back because you realized that you'd said them, so in a panic you quickly hang up the phone. So then you go to this dinner and you're sitting at the table and so far nothing has been mentioned of these words, but of course at some point they are brought up. I see it like this:
"So did you mean it?"
"Mean what?"
"That you love me?"
"Umm.."
And at this point you're not sure what to say. So there is an awkward silence and then you fill it in with something that you think makes sense.

Anyway the point to this is that usually you're not really in love with this person. What you are feeling is lust. You can't really love the actual person without knowing them, and you can't know nearly enough about people in two months, it's just not possible. So before you speak those words make sure that you mean them and that you're not just saying them because your partner said them or your friends say that you should or you feel like you should without actually feeling that way.

*I really think the title of this would make a great song title... I don't know why, just a random thought I had.

Bad News in the Mail

So I thought that things in my life was going pretty well. I have the best friends and family in the world and a pretty awesome boyfriend. I get to spend almost everyday doing things that I love to do like hanging out with friends or sleeping until the afternoon, listening to music and just doing musical and theatrical things. I'm a new (?) college student, it's my second term. My life wasn't filled with too much worry, the thing that I most worried about was finding a job or hoping that my best friend wasn't mad at me for some insensitive thing that I said or wondering what some random hot guy thought of me. That was until I got a letter.

The letter said that I might be a sick girl. I hardly got through the letter. I got to where it said what I might be sick with and I froze. I stood in my kitchen with the smile that I had on my face only seconds before faded. I was shocked. I never thought that something like that could happen to me. I stood there staring at the letter tears filling my eye. My adopted mom asked me a question and I hardly answered her. I gave her one of those answers that really rude kids give their parents. And she took the letter and read it to see why I had just stopped functioning. I mean she's used to me being silly and laughing and just being a really exuberant child. I mean I'm not like those weird perfect super annoying sunny kids that you see on t.v. but I'm a typically happy person as many of my friends know.

She read the letter and she looked at me and told me that it was going to be OK, that maybe the tests were wrong, that it had even said right there in the letter that it could be wrong. But my only thought was "No, it can't be wrong. It's probably right. I mean things like this happen to people all the time and just because I thought that it could never happen to me, it still has." This all sounded like one sentence with no breaks in it at all. Then my second thought pattern was "No, Mom's probably right. The test results were just wrong, I mean I'd had that shot and they're still not sure what it all does so it's probably just that. I mean come on, this doesn't really happen to people." It took me a few seconds for my brain to get traction so that i could start talking again. I wiped away the tears that had formed in my eyes and I smiled and said all the things to let Mom know that I really wasn't freaking out. That it was just a momentary lapse in something that had caused me to go silent. I took the letter from her and I went to my room. I sat on my bed and I looked around the room that I share with my best friend who is like a sister. I looked to the closet where most of my stuff was and I thought how it would suck for her to have to deal with all my stuff. Then I told myself that even if I was sick that it wouldn't be so bad as to kill me. I let myself cry for a while, and then I told myself that I couldn't just sit there and cry that I had to know what was going on. So I got on the computer and I researched what it is that might be making me sick.

I called my Momma because I'd really needed to be cheered up. I tried to not tell her about the letter. I didn't know how she would react: would she be upset with me, would she cry? The conversation went on and somewhere my mind made itself up and my mouth complied and they told my mom. And her reaction set off a whole new set of tears. I didn't know what to say to her. Luckily the conversation ended soon because I really didn't want her to know that I was crying.

But the whole reason for this is not to get people to feel bad for me. It's to say that when you get news like this don't let it take over, be proactive research what it is so that you can prepare yourself. But getting this letter didn't only scare the living shit out of me it made me think of what I wanted out of life. I always wanted kids but if I am sick I don't think having my own kids will work so I will try to adopt or be a foster parent. I want to be known for the good that I do. I know how cliche, you find out you're sick and all of a sudden you want to do good and blah blah blah, but that didn't change for me. I always wanted to adopt or foster a child. I'd made it a mission to change the life of at least one child that is not my own before I die. The only thing that my "sick letter" did for me was set this all in stone for me. Before it was always "I'm gonna try to do this," after I got that letter it's become "I will do this no matter what it takes."

The Bad Blogger I am...

Ok so I know that I haven't been blogging for, like, ever. So I'm going to try to make up for it.



So what have I been up to lately you may ask? This is what I have been up: School, studying and talking to my mommy!!!

Anywho, I feel as though this world is coming to a place where everyone has lost what little bit of mind that they have and though of us who are already insane are just getting to be even more so. I look around and see the problems that people are causing for themselves and others around them and I wonder, why can't we just go on living our own lives and not ruining everyone else's? But then I answered my own question and it's because then some people wouldn't have a damn life if they couldn't be making someone else miserable. I mean I'm not saying that you should live your life to make everyone else happy but don't base everything that you do on making someone else's life a living hell, I mean come on people, it's time to grow the hell up and focus on your own damn life and get what you need done.

I know life would be no fun if there was no drama and blah blah blah. Ok get over all that bull shit. Life doesn't need drama to be fun. If you want to have a fun life then go out and do something that you enjoy, unless you enjoy starting drama. I guess that that is all that I can rant about for now but I will try to make sure that I post more often and with things that people might actually want to hear, or not, depends on my mood.