When You Care This Much

One thing about me that most people don't know about me is how much I actually care. Most people view me as a narcissistic bitch who cares but more about herself and personal gain than I actually do about others, and I'm not like that. The reason most people don't know how much I truly care is because I try my best to show it without really showing it. I know that I should show things better but the thing is that I care so much so easily that its not really worth letting other people know just how much of a hold that they can have on me. I know that in one way it sounds just completely... I don't know what word I'm looking for but, well, I know. Any who, I find myself caring more for people than I intend for most of the time. I also hate it when there is something that I believe that I love so much that I wouldn't be able to live without and I find that I can actually live without, because then I realize that I just didn't want to lose it. But I guess it's better to be wanted then needed at least that's the way that I see things.

Lately I have been having some problems with one of my best friends and I thought that I would never be able to live without her seeing how she'd helped me through some of my more difficult times. But with all the fighting and what not I feel as though I could get along in my life and I don't like that. I mean, she knows how much I care about her and how much she means to me but she chooses to do the things that she knows is only going to push me away. I want to want her in my life I just can't find it in me to really do that because I feel that if I keep her so close to me that I will only continue to get hurt by her. And it's not like it's being hurt by a friend it's like the sister that you always got along with suddenly tells you that she absolutely hates you and that she never wants anything to do with you and she means it. It is a hurt so deep that it is as bad as physical pain. I don't what to do about it some days and then there are times when I think about just making the situation better and kissing and making up but just when go to do it, when I go to move my mouth to say the words that could make it all better I get a pain that shoots through me like I have a dagger stuck in my jaw and it is killing me to move my mouth. I don't understand how I could care this much and yet have it seem to make no difference to her.


Then there is my other best friend. And I love her dearly. But sometimes I don't know what to do with her. I mean I like her for who she is but sometimes I'm afraid that she is more fragile than she'd like to be and I'm afraid to say this to her because I don't know how she would react to it. I know that she has her problems and I want to help her with them and she wont let me help her and I don't know what to do. I hate sitting by and watching her suffer and no do the things that she wants to do because she is afraid or whatever her reasons are. I feel so useless and she seems to be afraid to tell me what I can do to help her. I ask myself over and over again what I could do to help her through what she is going through. I can never come up the right answer. How can I care this much and not know what to do?