When You Care This Much

One thing about me that most people don't know about me is how much I actually care. Most people view me as a narcissistic bitch who cares but more about herself and personal gain than I actually do about others, and I'm not like that. The reason most people don't know how much I truly care is because I try my best to show it without really showing it. I know that I should show things better but the thing is that I care so much so easily that its not really worth letting other people know just how much of a hold that they can have on me. I know that in one way it sounds just completely... I don't know what word I'm looking for but, well, I know. Any who, I find myself caring more for people than I intend for most of the time. I also hate it when there is something that I believe that I love so much that I wouldn't be able to live without and I find that I can actually live without, because then I realize that I just didn't want to lose it. But I guess it's better to be wanted then needed at least that's the way that I see things.

Lately I have been having some problems with one of my best friends and I thought that I would never be able to live without her seeing how she'd helped me through some of my more difficult times. But with all the fighting and what not I feel as though I could get along in my life and I don't like that. I mean, she knows how much I care about her and how much she means to me but she chooses to do the things that she knows is only going to push me away. I want to want her in my life I just can't find it in me to really do that because I feel that if I keep her so close to me that I will only continue to get hurt by her. And it's not like it's being hurt by a friend it's like the sister that you always got along with suddenly tells you that she absolutely hates you and that she never wants anything to do with you and she means it. It is a hurt so deep that it is as bad as physical pain. I don't what to do about it some days and then there are times when I think about just making the situation better and kissing and making up but just when go to do it, when I go to move my mouth to say the words that could make it all better I get a pain that shoots through me like I have a dagger stuck in my jaw and it is killing me to move my mouth. I don't understand how I could care this much and yet have it seem to make no difference to her.


Then there is my other best friend. And I love her dearly. But sometimes I don't know what to do with her. I mean I like her for who she is but sometimes I'm afraid that she is more fragile than she'd like to be and I'm afraid to say this to her because I don't know how she would react to it. I know that she has her problems and I want to help her with them and she wont let me help her and I don't know what to do. I hate sitting by and watching her suffer and no do the things that she wants to do because she is afraid or whatever her reasons are. I feel so useless and she seems to be afraid to tell me what I can do to help her. I ask myself over and over again what I could do to help her through what she is going through. I can never come up the right answer. How can I care this much and not know what to do?

Wow-zers

So I'm sitting here at my computer listing to Panic at the Disco whilst my two dearest best friends are doing something on the bed. Hey! It's OK ones a boy and ones a girl and for even better measure they're dating and I'm pretty sure that whatever it is they are doing isn't sexual, but I guess you all will never know for sure :P I don't I think that I was fair in my last post. I was feeling bad because literally minutes before I typed the damned thing I'd found out that I'd gained weight which did not please me in the least bit. But to make things even better (not sarcastic in the least bit, I swear!) just as I'd hit the "post" button my mom handed the phone and who was on the other line but a person who wanted me to have a job interview with them. That was really funny. And I have been working on the whole "dieting" thing. I mean I actually go to sleep at my set time so that I get a good amount of sleep and I wake up and make a good lunch and I eat it at a good time and I'm trying to do all the right things. Tonight we are starting to walk and it is going to be a nightly thing and I will be getting up to run on the weekends STARTING THIS WEEKEND! I swear we are. And I might go on Tuesdays and Thursdays and then do Saturdays and Sundays so that I am running four days a week. Yay for me. Any who, one of my head phones came out and I don't like what I heard, they were arguing about body fat. They are so strange. I would love to tell you all some stories but I don't think that they are important and very inappropriate. One of these days something will be clean enough for me to post...

Alright I'm done I got to work on the post that I was working on for my other blog. I'll link it to you crazies one day. Live long and prosper.

Here's How Things Go

So basically my life isn't too horribly wrong at this point. I think there are only to things that I can rightfully complain about and that's not having a job (though I am searching very hard) and not having my own place (but I have a place to stay with a loving family). I know that life can't be perfect but I'm totally cool with that because I find the perfection in all the imperfections.

Anyway, my best friend and I are getting along great. I mean lately there have been things that have been bothering me but doesn't that happen to everyone? It's not like I don't do things that don't bother her. Plus, we're all humans and therefore we are going to make mistakes and that's totally cool with me. Most of my mistakes have led me to something greater that I knew that I wouldn't have gotten without making those mistake. But I have also learned from those mistakes. Back on track, we have our little things that are off to the other but we don't try to kill each other about it ya know, so that's good.

My family situation is good. I mean I hardly talk to my grandmother and at this point it's a good thing. I mean I love her, no doubt about that, it's just that I don't like the way that she treats me.I mean I am not a child and I am not a full adult either but that doesn't mean that I am completely incompetent and can't do anything for myself. She has a way that she wants me to live and I have a way that I want to live for myself and to do what makes me happy, she wants me to do what I want to do as long as she agrees with what I want to do. I haven't really had time to talk much to my mom and sometimes I think that she doesn't want to talk to me. I don't know it's just kinda crazy I guess. And I have forgotten to call my sister but I am going to make sure that I call her this week. I love talking to them. I miss them so much. It really sucks that all my family is back in Michigan and I'm stuck in Oregon and my only blood family is my grandma and it's really annoying.

My boyfriend is... well being himself. He doesn't want to admit to himself that he is cute and sweet... OK well only not the sweet part. And what can I say he is a fun guy to be around. I'm really good that at the most basic level we are friends because my life has gotten a bit more interesting with someone as weird as him in it.

Oh well there is one more thing that I can complain about. My weight. I have gained 3.2 pounds and it has been driving me crazy since I found out. But I am going to go on the crazy thing (not really a diet, just more like me trying to get my damn life in order) and lose some of this weight. I mean I have two weddings that I am going to coming up and I want to look my best. Mostly I want to look really good when I go to see my family so that I can be like "see I'm doing good, I can take care of myself." It's not something to throw in their face it's to just make myself feel better. But I also want to be healthier. I want to live a better, more healthy life so that I wont become one of those people who have to get wheeled out of their house because they are too fat. So I am entering on a new adventure in my life on this crazy adventure to become a more healthy person. So I have to change my eating habits, get more exercise ;) and actually have a good sleep pattern because that can mess things up for you big time. So her I am at weight 172, with in 5 months I hope to be not that much... at least in the 40s if not the 30s. Well now I have to get ready to go to an appointment. Woot.. not.

Admit it, I'm Awesome and so Are You (Pretty=Perfect?)

You know lately I've noticed that so many people have been putting others down. And for what reason? I can't find one. I have been trying to not put people down and instead I turn on myself and I put myself down. Now most people who know me know that I am typically a narcissistic bitch. But that's the way that I like it. There are not many people that I will let see to the core of me. But I wake up daily and I sometimes have to put on this facade of being purely amazing and making everyone think that I totally love myself and that I think that the world should revolve around me, but that's not true all the time. Sometime I wake up and I look at myself in the mirror and all I think is how ugly I am or how stupid I am and things of that sort. Sometimes I think that it would be better for everyone if I just disappeared and no one ever saw me again. I push past that and I put on my facade. I have done this for so long that I am beginning to believe that I am amazing and that I am the best and I think that the world should revolve around me. And when this seems to my truth I realize that it really is. I mean who the hell is anyone to tell me that I'm not amazing or that I'm not pretty or any other thing that will make me feel better about myself.

This also goes to people around me think that they are perfect and that drives me mad! What makes you perfect? I think that just because you are a cheerleader and everyone thinks that you're so pretty that you are perfect. These kind of people drive me absolutely insane. I mean really, I'm not just saying this. I know that I am not the best looking person ever, and I really do believe that every person is beautiful in their own way. And this is where perfection comes in. I find perfection in the imperfections of everyone. I mean if we were all perfect and made no mistakes then things wouldn't really be worth wanting to do it. Ever. So just because you messed up on the lyrics on a song, you hit the wrong note, you dressed a little different, or any of the things that people look at and they say that you are imperfect, tell them to kiss your ass. You are perfect just like everyone else. Maybe not in the Utopian from of perfect but there is something there that makes you perfect and you are perfectly yourself and if you can't take it from me to be perfect listen to this song, watch this video, and think about it. It doesn't take everyone's view of perfect to make you perfect.

I love you, I think (Seems more like Lust)

There are three words that can change any relationship: I Love You. But most of the time these words are said, in my opinion, prematurely. I'm mean really, most people who are in "love" with have only known this person up-close for about two seconds, because they just now decided to start talking to you after not recognizing your existence for the longest time. You think that you know this person but in actually you really don't, you know what they want other people to know or what other people have said about this person. So you finally start dating this person and two months into the relationship, you've gone on maybe one or two actual dates and you've hung out a few times and you are out celebrating this "big moment" in the relationship and you look at this person and you say those three words, I love you. The look on your partner's face is one of... I love my pet rock, too. They say the words back only because they know that's what you want to hear. You know somewhere in the back of your mind that something is off but you ignore it.

But there are times that are better than the intentional speaking of these words, it's when they slip because they, at one point, were routine to say before you hung up the phone or after you kissed someone goodbye. You and your partner are on the phone and have just made plans to meet at some restaurant, and you finalize the plans and now comes the goodbye part. It usually goes a little something like this:
"Alright, I'll see you there at seven."
"OK, see you then."
"Alright, love you bye."
"Yeah, me too, bye."
Or you may skip the part of them saying the words back because you realized that you'd said them, so in a panic you quickly hang up the phone. So then you go to this dinner and you're sitting at the table and so far nothing has been mentioned of these words, but of course at some point they are brought up. I see it like this:
"So did you mean it?"
"Mean what?"
"That you love me?"
"Umm.."
And at this point you're not sure what to say. So there is an awkward silence and then you fill it in with something that you think makes sense.

Anyway the point to this is that usually you're not really in love with this person. What you are feeling is lust. You can't really love the actual person without knowing them, and you can't know nearly enough about people in two months, it's just not possible. So before you speak those words make sure that you mean them and that you're not just saying them because your partner said them or your friends say that you should or you feel like you should without actually feeling that way.

*I really think the title of this would make a great song title... I don't know why, just a random thought I had.

Bad News in the Mail

So I thought that things in my life was going pretty well. I have the best friends and family in the world and a pretty awesome boyfriend. I get to spend almost everyday doing things that I love to do like hanging out with friends or sleeping until the afternoon, listening to music and just doing musical and theatrical things. I'm a new (?) college student, it's my second term. My life wasn't filled with too much worry, the thing that I most worried about was finding a job or hoping that my best friend wasn't mad at me for some insensitive thing that I said or wondering what some random hot guy thought of me. That was until I got a letter.

The letter said that I might be a sick girl. I hardly got through the letter. I got to where it said what I might be sick with and I froze. I stood in my kitchen with the smile that I had on my face only seconds before faded. I was shocked. I never thought that something like that could happen to me. I stood there staring at the letter tears filling my eye. My adopted mom asked me a question and I hardly answered her. I gave her one of those answers that really rude kids give their parents. And she took the letter and read it to see why I had just stopped functioning. I mean she's used to me being silly and laughing and just being a really exuberant child. I mean I'm not like those weird perfect super annoying sunny kids that you see on t.v. but I'm a typically happy person as many of my friends know.

She read the letter and she looked at me and told me that it was going to be OK, that maybe the tests were wrong, that it had even said right there in the letter that it could be wrong. But my only thought was "No, it can't be wrong. It's probably right. I mean things like this happen to people all the time and just because I thought that it could never happen to me, it still has." This all sounded like one sentence with no breaks in it at all. Then my second thought pattern was "No, Mom's probably right. The test results were just wrong, I mean I'd had that shot and they're still not sure what it all does so it's probably just that. I mean come on, this doesn't really happen to people." It took me a few seconds for my brain to get traction so that i could start talking again. I wiped away the tears that had formed in my eyes and I smiled and said all the things to let Mom know that I really wasn't freaking out. That it was just a momentary lapse in something that had caused me to go silent. I took the letter from her and I went to my room. I sat on my bed and I looked around the room that I share with my best friend who is like a sister. I looked to the closet where most of my stuff was and I thought how it would suck for her to have to deal with all my stuff. Then I told myself that even if I was sick that it wouldn't be so bad as to kill me. I let myself cry for a while, and then I told myself that I couldn't just sit there and cry that I had to know what was going on. So I got on the computer and I researched what it is that might be making me sick.

I called my Momma because I'd really needed to be cheered up. I tried to not tell her about the letter. I didn't know how she would react: would she be upset with me, would she cry? The conversation went on and somewhere my mind made itself up and my mouth complied and they told my mom. And her reaction set off a whole new set of tears. I didn't know what to say to her. Luckily the conversation ended soon because I really didn't want her to know that I was crying.

But the whole reason for this is not to get people to feel bad for me. It's to say that when you get news like this don't let it take over, be proactive research what it is so that you can prepare yourself. But getting this letter didn't only scare the living shit out of me it made me think of what I wanted out of life. I always wanted kids but if I am sick I don't think having my own kids will work so I will try to adopt or be a foster parent. I want to be known for the good that I do. I know how cliche, you find out you're sick and all of a sudden you want to do good and blah blah blah, but that didn't change for me. I always wanted to adopt or foster a child. I'd made it a mission to change the life of at least one child that is not my own before I die. The only thing that my "sick letter" did for me was set this all in stone for me. Before it was always "I'm gonna try to do this," after I got that letter it's become "I will do this no matter what it takes."

The Bad Blogger I am...

Ok so I know that I haven't been blogging for, like, ever. So I'm going to try to make up for it.



So what have I been up to lately you may ask? This is what I have been up: School, studying and talking to my mommy!!!

Anywho, I feel as though this world is coming to a place where everyone has lost what little bit of mind that they have and though of us who are already insane are just getting to be even more so. I look around and see the problems that people are causing for themselves and others around them and I wonder, why can't we just go on living our own lives and not ruining everyone else's? But then I answered my own question and it's because then some people wouldn't have a damn life if they couldn't be making someone else miserable. I mean I'm not saying that you should live your life to make everyone else happy but don't base everything that you do on making someone else's life a living hell, I mean come on people, it's time to grow the hell up and focus on your own damn life and get what you need done.

I know life would be no fun if there was no drama and blah blah blah. Ok get over all that bull shit. Life doesn't need drama to be fun. If you want to have a fun life then go out and do something that you enjoy, unless you enjoy starting drama. I guess that that is all that I can rant about for now but I will try to make sure that I post more often and with things that people might actually want to hear, or not, depends on my mood.