Life Update

Hey. I know I haven't been on here to let people read the random bits that come from my brain. Well I'm back and I have a lot of simply my life to tell you about.

So most recently I found out that my 10 year old brother is depressed. Yeah. 10. Clinically depressed. He's seeing a psychologist and a therapist. I was heart broken when I found out what was the pushing factor in him having to go see these doctors. It started off with him acting out in school. Typical kid stuff that most write off as part of growing up. He would walk out of class and just do things that he knew that he wasn't supposed to be doing. When I would call and talk to him he would tell me that he was sad that I wasn't at home(living with my mother, he, and my two other brothers). I felt bad that I wasn't there. He missed me and he wanted me to be there for him. I kept telling that it wouldn't be long until I get there (I plan on visiting home for my sister's wedding). I thought that this was all just him being a kid. But then one day he tried to strangle himself. It was an attempt to end his life. He didn't know that its harder to strangle yourself than other ways out. He did this a school. My mother was forced to take him to a therapist to find out what was wrong and it turns out that he is depressed. It's only a matter of time before my brother becomes a zombie. They will put him on a bunch of pills and he will just not be himself. I believe that you do not need to be medicated in order to get over something like that. But that's they way that the system handles things. But I guess it will work for some time and then the pills will have no effect on him. I hope that he will be able to be happy on his own and not in a drug induced happiness that's not really worth anything.

Then there is my boyfriend. He and I have been fighting. A lot. Its the hardest thing for me. This relationship was supposed to mean nothing to me. For me it was supposed to be a physical relationship with someone who would be a good friend. But things changed and for some crazy reason I started to fall for this guy. Great. And now we're having our first fight and it's not like the petty fights that people have as their first fight. It's much deeper than that. But I know that things will work out for the best in the end.

Then there's everything else. The fear of failing classes the fear of failing at life. Though I'm working through most of these things they are still there. But I know that I will figure things out. I always do.

At a loss

What am I supposed to do? I try and try and it seems like everything just turns out wrong. Lie. Not everything. Somethings are okay. Or at least they seem okay. I just want to see if I can get a little happier but that doesn't seem to be the thing that everyone else wants. But this is my life it's about what I want right? Wrong. I actually care about some of the people in my life and it seems like I've done nothing but piss off one of the most important people. I want to fix it. I really do but it doesn't seem that way because I don't know what you want from me. Everyone seems to have their little slice of Heaven that they can call when ever they want and then they're fine. I just want to find that for me but it seems in going down that path I have lost sight of the one that I am going to need. The one that I do need. It's a curious thought as to why I left that path to begin with is it not? It's quite simple to me, but that's just me. I didn't know how to exist on that path. I tried and it worked for a certain period of time. But then something happened. I was on that path with someone and that person kept me company. We talked, we kept each other heading in the right direction and then what. Was I the cause for me to stray from that path? Possibly, probably. But you also strayed from the path as well. Only you got back on it sort of. I just seem to be having trouble finding. I do know what to do to get back on this path.

Enough with the pretty words. You stopped talking to me. I stopped talking to you. It became easier that way. As long as I could see you I knew that I would be okay. But that wasn't the case for you. What the hell is that you want me to do? I honestly have no freaking clue! You want me to talk to you but you ask me at the most inconvenient times: When there are people around, when I'm trying to find the right words so that I don't piss you off and have you go off on me. When I try to come to you, you distract me with funny videos or I just don't know how to talk and when I say I don't know you yell at me that I don't talk to you. But I'm trying. I just can't do it without having some sort of incline as to what you want. You want me to fix this, you said you're done trying with me. What am I to do. I can't even come to you because you don't even want to be in a room alone with me long enough for me to say what it is that I have to say. I just want to tell you and only you things, is that wrong of me? To want only you to know. I thought you would be the one that was always there the one who would listen to what I had to say un-judging. I'm at a loss but if this is the way that you want it then so be it. I don't want to force you to like me, to be in my life. I'll leave if you want. And if you want me gone then let me know, and I'll leave.

Act IV: Playing Stupid

Most people want to prove to others how smart they are. They flaunt their knowledge, they go out of their way to show others that they can do something. Then there are the people who don't care either way what people think. Then there are people like me who makes an effort to let people think that they are stupid.

Why on earth would someone do that?

The reason I did it: I didn't want to deal with people. I figured that if I played stupid I would be the pretty friend that everyone would want to be around so that they could have a smile when things got bad. I had a lot of problems of my own that i was dealing with, I thought that the best I could do was send someone over the edge: instead of talking them out of suicide, I would talk them into it or actually talking someone into killing someone, of course these wouldn't have been my intentions but I always feared that that would happen if I tried to help.

Lately I have dealt with most of my problems. I have found ways to overcome them or to get rid of them. And I have been showing that I really am bright, but people think that this is untrue.

You might assume that I am pissed at everyone who still thinks that I am stupid, that the stupid act that I put on for everyone is the real me. But in actuality I have no one to be mad at but myself: I am the one who led people to believe that I was stupid. Instead of giving actual answers to people I would just giggle and smile and say something that didn't make sense and then people would drop things. Yeah people would come to me with relationship problems and I would help them with that, but when someone was talking to me about something that was possibly life altering I would give them a cute little smile and a blank look and two sentences in they would stop talking because they figured that I had nothing to offer to them. To anyone I pulled this little trick with: I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you, I just wasn't willing to help because I was afraid of making things worse and the best way to get you to not be upset with me was to play stupid.

I've dropped the blond routine and I've went back to the intelligent person that I truly am and yet I have people who look at me like I'm just a pretty face putting together a bunch of big words that I probably don't know the meaning to. This might surprise some people but I actually know some "big words." I used to read the dictionary and I would find a word from every letter of the dictionary and make it a point to learn that word. Sometimes I would learn two words at once. And if I don't know a word I look it up and I learn the definition so that i know what people are talking about. I used to get board and just do random research on things that were big problems in the world so that I could have a clue about what was going on and have an educated opinion and not just pretend like i knew what I was talking about. I guess I need to start that again.

I guess I have a lot of work to put in if I want people to believe that I am smart. I need to actually show my intelligence. I won't let people think that I'm stupid anymore. I just can't do that to myself anymore or ever do that to myself again.

Suicidal Tendencies

It's something that is well known. So many people do it everyday. It's something that some of us think about, it's something some of us attempt, and some of us succeed at it. It's probably not the best thing, but it happens. Sometimes life happens too fast, or sometimes it seems to be unbearable and we think that our best way is to just give up.

Death seems like such a sweet release sometimes. There is no pain, nothing to worry about, there is only serene beauty, depending on what you believe in. There is so much about life that you would want to just not want to live anymore. There are things like family problems, problems at school, problems with friends, things aren't going the way that you want them to go. There are so many reason's that one would want to give up.

I am one of those people who tried to kill myself. I don't want to sugar coat it. I wanted to take my own life, I wanted to make the world better by not being here. There is no way that I can put it to make it sound nice. There is nothing nice about wanting to fore fit your life.

The first time that I tried I was in middle school. My first thoughts started when I was young. It was the end of my 7th grade year, there was so much going on with me. Yes I had a good amount of friends, I had a big family, but there were still the things that had seemed to over run that. I was still getting made fun of in school. There were whispers of things behind me behind my back, mean vile things. At first I tried to ignore it and it worked. I started to stand up for myself, if that's what you could call it. I would yell at people for saying things about me, but that didn't stop them from keeping up the stream of hateful words that made me feel as though I was not meant to live. At first they were just thoughts. I would think "what if I killed myself, I don't think that anyone would even notice let alone care if I was gone. In fact I might be doing everyone a favor. They won't have to care about what I am doing." I even went to the extent of writing a suicide note that I would leave for my family when I did it. One of my brothers found it once, thank God he couldn't read. I took it from him and I burnt it. Then I started cutting. I did it in places that no one would see. I didn't want anyone to know. Some nights my little brother would come lay with me at night and I would cry on his little shoulder and tell him the horrid things that I was planning to do. Thank the heavens he had no clue what I was talking about. But one night as I was crying on his little shoulder, holding him close to me so that I would never forget him, he did something that changed my mind. He looked up me with the innocent eyes of a toddler and he put his little hand on my cheek and he said to me "Don't cry, Mon-ca, it will be OK." And then he kissed my cheek. At that point I knew that I couldn't leave him. My little bear would need me one day, to help him trough something like he'd just helped me.


Life after that was fine. I wont say that it was always rainbows and sunshine because it wasn't. I still fought with my sisters and my mom and my brothers, even fought with my dad a few times. I still thought that my family hated me but I pushed past all that and I kept going forward.


Then at the end of my freshman I moved to Oregon and that started a whole new depression for me. My grandmother tried to get me to hate my family. She despised me talking to my family, she hated when she knew that I was even thinking about my family. But it wasn't my whole family that she wanted me to hate. Just my mother and my sisters. She wanted me to worship the ground that my aunt walked on. She would tell me that my mother said how much of a little bitch that I was and that my mom was happy that I was gone. And after a while I started to believe it. I mean why would anyone care so much about me. I am nothing, there is nothing special about me. So I believed it. And then the thoughts came back to me. I guess that they were never really gone they just were cover, buried under everything else. I started cutting again my junior year. I always wore sweaters no matter what so no one would notice the cuts on my arm. To this day you can still see some of the scars. But then at one point in my senior year I went for it. I took a bunch of pills. I figured it wasn't worth life anymore. I had put in enough work and nothing was working out for me. It obviously didn't work seeing as how I am alive to write this. I guess I didn't take enough. I'd thought about trying it again, after it didn't work. Then one day I found some friends who are now my best friends, they make sure that I don't reach that breaking point again. Then later on that year I got on facebook and I found my mommy. And we were talking and my mom said to me "I love you, baby girl. No matter what. You are my child and I will love you always." That's when I knew that my mother never hated me, that she would always be there for me. I wont say that after that that I didn't have any suicidal thoughts, because I did. I don't have those thoughts now. I do however have many homicidal thoughts. Though I am not a threat to the world. I find to much joy in helping people but I still can't help but think of the deaths of some people or every person on earth.


Though the thoughts are no longer there, I still have problems believing that anyone can care for me anymore than just the most basic of friendship. I am working on that. I know that my best friend loves me like I am her sister and that she will always be there for me. I'm trying to believe my boyfriend when he says that he actually cares for me. I think I know it, I'm just not willing to accept it. But I at least I know what my problem is and I'm working on it. And I want to do my damnedest to make sure that my story has a happy ending to it.

Just Random Thoughts

You know some days I wake up and I wonder why I even try to go forward with anything. It's just that in this world there is so much bad that it seems to outshine the good. My first thoughts are usually why am I even going to attempt this? But then I think to myself, "you can't think that way. If everyone woke up and decided that it wasn't worth going on anymore then we wouldn't have any world." So I think of all the good things in my life. I think about my family. Like every family mine is dysfunctional and we fight, hell I don't even life with my birth family and yet I still manage to piss one of my sisters off. My "adopted" family is not exception to this either. We all get upset with each other, we all argue but in the end we are still family and we care for each other. I think about all my friends and the crazy things that we do together. I think about all the memories we made and how when something goes bad in our lives, no matter if we are fighting or not we will try to find out what is wrong with everyone. We push aside all the petty things and we try to make everything better. And that's what my families do as well. Even the people that hate me. I think of them and I say "well as long as they aren't hurting someone then they can stay that way" and I just move on. I get out of bed and I get dressed and I go on about my day doing whatever it is that will make me smile that day. No I'm not saying that I don't have my bad days, because God knows that I have my bad days, but in the end I try to make sure that I go forward trying to better something. So now here's the thing, what is it that pushes you forward, that gives you a reason to go forward?

Books, Books and More Books (Oh and A little bit of Music)

So today I got my library card in the mail. This is my first library card in several years. Most people who know me knows that I love books. I mean if I could tell you all of the books that I have read... well that would take a long time because I am one of those "strange" kids that actually enjoy losing themselves in a good book. Any who today I was at the Public Library and I came across a book called "Converting Kate." This book intrigued me. First off you must understand that I don't really like reading anything that has to do with religion. Here's the reason why:
Me: *Sitting somewhere reading a book*
Random Person: "Hey what are you reading?"
Me: "Oh just this book about this girls mother who tries to force religion down her daughter's throat. The mother thinks that her religion is right, and is the BEST religion in the world."
RP: "Oh well I'm (insert religion) and we believe (insert religious views here). What do you believe?"
Me: "Oh I don't have a set religion. I have many beliefs that coincide with many religions. I guess you can say that I have my own brand of religion."
RP: "Well I think that my religion and that every one should believe like I do. And who are you to take religion into your own hands?!"
Me: "Well you see, I think that every person has the right to believe whatever it is their little heart fancies. And I am a human, just like anyone else and that is why I can take religion into my own hands. Everyone does it. Even you and your (insert name of person who preaches), there for I can handle religion how I wish."

No, I don't think that this happens but it has happened to me on many occasions while I was reading a book called "The Gospel According to Larry" (It's a good book check it out). That was the last book that had anything to do with religion that I have read. So when I found this book called "Converting Kate" and I read the back my first reaction was to put the book back on the shelf and say no way am I even going to consider reading this book. But the first few sentences on the back got to me. They words were of the girl talking to her mother about religion. I am not going to tell you much about it. Once I actually check the book out I will tell you the name of the author or you can look it up. I have mentioned the book name twice now. Any who, on with this thing. I thought about the book and I really wanted to check it out because I felt that it would be a good book to read. I mean these sort of things happen so frequently these days:A parent has a set of beliefs and they take their child to their place of worship or non worship and they make the kid sit through it. Then the child comes of age to make the decision of what they like and what they don't like. The child says that they no longer want to attend or not not attend religious things, but the parents are against the child making this choice and tries to force the child into what the parent wants. This is something I don't understand. The child went through all the prayers, the amens, the sermons but now they've chosen against it and the parent doesn't like this. Why? And why do the parents feel the need to shove religion down their child's throat?


Moving on my bit of about music is simply this. Have you ever listened to a piece of music and completely lost yourself in it? It is the best feeling in the world. For each person it feels different. If you have yet to lose yourself in a piece find a song that you really enjoy and just listen to it, forget about everything and just feel the music inside of you.

Who/What Goes Where

I see that dating has become a strange thing for me these days. Not the act of dating just the thoughts that come with dating. I am in a relationship with someone and I get confused by the way that I see some people think about dating. I have several people in my life who seem to think that when you date it means that your mate goes above anything and everything. That no matter what you are doing if your mate calls you you are supposed to drop what you are doing and go to them that instant. I don't think this way. I personally cannot make one single person the whole reason for me existing. I mean sure I am really fond of my boyfriend, but I also don't think that he is the most important thing in my life. I mean sleep, food, showering, and things like that come first. He ranks at the same spot that my family and my friends rank and that's right there on the tail end of finishing my schooling and getting a career. I don't understand how someone could decide that this one thing can be so much more important than the very basics of life.


I guess that it is beyond my comprehension. I mean, I won't ever look at a cactus and be like this is my reason for living, whatever this cactus wants me to do I will do it. I just can't do that. I'm not saying that I am the most important person in my life but if I don't make some effort to make sure that I am properly taken care of then I won't have a life and there for there would be no need to try to place something before me and everything else because I would become non-existent.

I just don't understand how someone could do that. Eh.